Ganymede and Titan

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Confidence and Paranoia: Scene Summary

First published 12th July 2003.

1. Holly's Distress Call

HOLLY: We have been travelling through the galaxy now for three million years and there are many things we've discovered. The highest form of life in the universe is Man and the lowest is a man who works for the Post Office.

2. Drive Room. Lister is trying to watch a movie, but is continually interrupted by a bored Holly, who wants all Agatha Christie novels to be erased from his memory.

HOLLY: I was thinking it might help pass the time if I created a perfectly functioning replica of a woman, capable of independent decision-making and abstract thought and absolutely undetectable from the real thing.
LISTER: Well, why don't you, then?
HOLLY: Because I don't know how. I wouldn't even know how to make the nose. Heh!

3. Sleeping Quarters. Lister tells Rimmer that he has been to Kochanski's quarters, but they have not yet been decontaminated. They then chat about love, celibacy and Yvonne McGruder.

RIMMER: What about Yvonne McGruder? That was a date.
LISTER: She'd been hit on the head by a winch; she had a concussion.
RIMMER: That's got nothing to do with it. She was crazy about me.
LISTER: Oh, yeah? She kept calling you 'Norman'.
RIMMER: She still went to bed with me.
LISTER: Yeah, because she had wonky vision and she thought you were somebody else.
RIMMER: Serves her right for being concussed, doesn't it?

4. Sleeping Quarters. Later that night, Lister wakes up, feeling very ill.

RIMMER: Lights! Ah, Miss McGruder, where were we?

5. Corridor 159. Lister is on his way to the Medical Unit, when he collapses.

6. Level 147. The Cat dances along, singing and spraying various items with an unmarked bottle.

CAT: Hey, this is mine. That's mine. All this is mine. I'm claiming all this as mine. Except that bit. I don't want that bit. But all the rest of this is mine. Hey, this has been a good day. I've eaten five times, I've slept six times, and I've made a lot of things mine. Tomorrow, I'm gonna see if I can have sex with something.

7. Corridor 159. Cat turns a corner and sees Lister, unconcious. He sprays him, then walks off.

HOLLY: Emergency. There's an emergency going on. It's still going on. It's still an emergency. Will Arnold Rimmer please hurry to White Corridor 159. This is an emergency announcement.

8. Dining Area. The Cat is eating Chicken Merango. Rimmer tries to persuade him to give up his meal and help Lister.

RIMMER: Is there something wrong with you? Lister's collapsed!
CAT: Yeah?
RIMMER: What d'you mean 'yeah'? He needs help!
CAT: And?
RIMMER: And if you don't help him, he might die.
CAT: Aww, no. That's too bad. I really liked him too.
RIMMER: So, help him.
CAT: What? And interrupt my lunch?
RIMMER: What's more important: a man's life, or your smegging lunch?
CAT: That doesn't even deserve an answer.

9. Medical Unit. A recovering Lister discusses his theory on each person having a Confidence and a Paranoia.

LISTER: Stranger things have happened.
RIMMER: Only two spring to mind, Lister: the spontaneous combustion of the Mayor of Warsaw in 1546 and that incident in 12th century Burgandy when it rained herring.

10. Sleeping Quarters. Lister is asleep, and it's clear that he's having fevered dreams. Rimmer, who is busy doing hologrammatic exercises for the dead, suddenly gets surrounded by sealife precipitation.

11. Corridor 159. Rimmer steps outside the room, and consults Holly, who has no idea what is happening. He is then greeted by the Mayor of Warsaw, who spontaneously combusts.

RIMMER: It really is going to be one of those days.

12. Model Shot. Red Dwarf flies through space.

13. Sleeping Quarters. After a visit from The Cat, Lister is told by Rimmer that his hallucinatons were being turned solid. As a result, two man have appeared in the Drive Room - one's Lister's Confidence, the other is his Paranoia.

RIMMER: You're awake.
CAT: Yeah, but I'll be asleep in a minute.
RIMMER: How do you feel?
CAT: Fine, just don't ask me any more questions. I'm trying to sleep!
RIMMER: Shut up, you stupid moggy. And out of that bed.
CAT: Well, if you're going to speak to me like that, I'm going to take back my presents.
RIMMER: How do you feel?
CAT: Hurt!

14. Drive Room. Confidence is a well-built, suntanned man in a brightly coloured suit. Conversely, Paranoia is a weedy, pale-faced man in a drab, black suit. Rimmer says they should be arrested for being hallucinations, and as such they are part of Lister's illness. Lister decides to just hang out with his Confidence for a while.

PARANOIA: Is that a urine stain on the front of your trousers?
LISTER: What? No, it isn't. It's tea.
PARANOIA: So, how are you anyway? Isn't that a huge spot appearing on your so-called face? My God, you've got fat, haven't you? Must be all that lager. Bet you've got a terminal disease. Always happens to the people who least expect it. Don't you find that? Say 'hello,' then, won't you? I'm only trying to be friendly.

15. Model Shot. There is a dust storm approaching the ship. Holly informs the crew that the exterior of the ship is strictly out of bounds.

16. Sleeping Quarters. Lister plays 'The Indling Song' to Confidence, who is very impressed. Together, they hatch up a plan to get Kochanski back, if only they can find her personality disc.

LISTER: Our love I tried to kindle,
Like firelight, it dwindled,
And now I wonder when this wind'll,
Ever stop.

17. Drive Room. After Rimmer makes an unsucessful attempt to get rid of Paranoia, Lister outlines his plan. Rimmer is confident that the discs are well-hidden, but Lister manages to figure out that they're hidden in the solar panel outside the sleeping quarters.

RIMMER: NOW! STAB HIM! STAB HIM! STAB HIM! QUICK! STAB HIM! Ahh, you haven't met Stabbim, have you? He's one of our skutters. Stabbim, this is Lister's Paranoia. Lister's Paranoia, meet Stabbim.

18. Medical Unit. Rimmer walks in, looking for Lister, only to find that the Medicomp has been smashed up.

19. Model Shot. Red Dwarf passes through the dust storm.

20. Drive Room. Rimmer confronts Lister and Confidence about the Medicomp, but Confidence is evasive. Holly informs them that the dust storm has passed, so Lister and Confidence head for the exterior of the ship. Holly then informs Rimmer that Paranoia is no longer on board.

RIMMER: Holly, put a trace on Paranoia.
HOLLY: What's a 'trace'?
RIMMER: It's space jargon. It means 'find him'.
HOLLY: No, it isn't. You just made it up to be cool.

21. Ship Exterior. Lister and Confidence dance along, merrily searching for the personality discs. Confidence confesses that it was he who smashed up the Medicomp, as well as killing Paranoia. He then tries to persuade Lister to take his helmet off, safe in his presumption that oxygen is for losers. To demostrate he removes his own helmet, with consequent explosive effect.

LISTER: Did you hear something?
CONFIDENCE: Nope. In space, no-one can hear you 'cha-cha-cha'.

22. Sleeping Quarters. While The Cat does his laundry, Lister prepares to meet Kochanski. Rimmer warns him the executing the disc will only lead to misery, but Lister is adamant that he can handle it.

23. Drive Room. When Lister turns the disc on, a duplicate Rimmer appears.

RIMMER 2: Well, he did warn you.
RIMMER: I certainly did. Do you honestly think I'd put Kochanski's disc in Kochanski's boxk, where any munchkin could find it? You think you had it bad before, Lister? Well, now you've got it in stereo, baby. Welcome aboard, Rimsey.
RIMMER 2: Nice to be here, Mr. Rimmer, you son of a gun.