Ganymede and Titan

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Asso: Spanish Detective - Louie the Smirk

First published 14th September 2003.

ANNOUNCER 1: (Chris Barrie)
Spanish Television presents...

ANNOUNCER 2: (Nick Wilton)
A-S-S-O!

ANNOUNCER 1:
Asso: Spanish Detective!

[theme tune]

ASSO: (Nick Maloney)
It was four A.M. I stood naked on the balcony, looking down at some people looking up. Torremelinos - some dirty city. I pulled on a cigarette and gulped down some more coffee. What could be better than Spanish cigarettes and Spanish coffee? Except maybe having your whole body vigourously rubbed by a man with a cheese grater. Some case this had turned out to be. I looked at the woman in my bed. She was sleeping soundly. No wonder - I had given her the best two minutes of her life. I called her name, softly. "Mother". Her name was Jane Mother. Some funny name. I had to go. Silently, I slipped a pair of socks down the front of my underpants, and I pulled on my white flared trousers. As I lined up the edge of my shirt collar with my shoulder, I started to think back. Back to the beginning of this case... [a sting of harp music, to signify a flashback] I was in my office, playing my harp. There was a knock on the door. [knock] Come in.

MESSENGER: (Chris Barrie)
Hey. You Asso?

ASSO:
What's it look like? He was about five-seven, hundred and sixty pounds, dark hair. He had the kind of face that said: "Hi, I'm a face".

MESSENGER:
Louie the Smirk wants to see you. He needs something. Says you owe him one.

ASSO:
Where?

MESSENGER:
By the wharf at midnight. He'll be driving a Spanish car.

ASSO:
Si?

MESSENGER:
A white paella convertible. He says 'come along, and don't come packed'.

ASSO:
Hey, what harm is a pair of socks down the underpants?

MESSENGER:
I don't know. Orders.

ASSO:
So, Louie the Smirk was calling in a favour. Louie was the biggest mafia boss in Torremelinos. He owned three deckchairs and the sunglasses stand. Si, the sunglasses stand as well! This was not a guy to fool around with. I arrived at the stroke of midnight. [ambient sounds, footsteps] Louie? That you, Louie?

LOUIE: (Nick Wilton)
Hey, Asso. I helped you out when you was in trouble.

ASSO:
That's right.

LOUIE
So now I'm calling in that favour.

ASSO:
Sure.

LOUIE
Asso, I want you to wash my car.

ASSO:
What? Here, at midnight?

LOUIE
You're not going to back out, are you?

ASSO:
Oh no, I'll do it. So, that was the end of another case. What a disappointment. I thought it was going to be exciting, with guns or something. But no, it was just a carwash job. I was feeling sad, for some reason. I figured I'd go back to Jane. She could make me feel better. But then I remembered - I was still in the flashback and I hadn't even met her yet. What a bummer. See you around!