Ganymede and Titan

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Profile: Sir Kevin Kevin Sir

First published 14th September 2003.

PRESENTER: (Nick Maloney)
Hello. Tonight on Profile, we'll be looking at the story of Sir Kevin Kevin Sir; conducter, musician and avent garde composer. As early as anyone can remember, Sir Kevin Kevin was an anarchist. His first work was written for flugelhorn and man blowing nose. He followed this up with his famous sphincter concerto in E flat minor, which entailed the entire wind section dining exclusively on chilli beans for four days before the performance. It was not well recieved. But in 1962, he revolutionised music theory when he developed the decative. Instead of the octave, the normal eight note scale, the decative had ten. He invented two new notes - H and J. Instead of going 'do re me fa so la te do', the decative would run 'do re me fa so wo bo la te do'. Curt Snapper was in charge of making Sir Kevin's instruments.

CURT SNAPPER: (Nick Wilton)
He was bloody barmy. I mean, he was out of his tree. Because of these extra two notes he'd invented, H and J, you couldn't play it on a normal piano. You had to put in all these extra notes between the other ones. Then, eventually, the piano was so long, the pianist could only play it by driving up and down the keyboard in a golf cart. Flutes came in five sections instead of three, and you had to play it in tandem. One was blowing and one was sucking, because you couldn't get the breath to the end. And cellos, right, cellos, well, in his orchestra, women were banned from playing the cello. Well, unless they played it sidesaddle.

But now, sadly, Sir Kevin Kevin is no longer with us. Innovator that he was, he died in a way that he probably would have appreciated - trying to suck a kazoo, instead of blowing it. He inhaled the kazoo, it lodged in his throat, he choked to death and played Yankee Doodle Dandy simultaneously. Ta-ra.