Ganymede and Titan

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Dave Hollins: Space Cadet - The Strange Planet You Shouldn't Really Land On

First published 14th September 2003.

ANNOUNCER: (Chris Barrie)
We of The Weird Dimension bring you a glimpse into another time-space continuum - The Strange Planet You Shouldn't Really Land On

DAVE HOLLINS: (Nick Wilton)
This is Stella Trader Dave Hollins calling Earth-Com number K57. My craft, Psion IV, is locked in a decaying orbit around a Class II planet. The main drives are gone and there is no power left in the star hopper. I'm at a planet that has two suns and seven moons. My AA number is HOL7142. A bio-scan prelim has indicated living matter on the planet's surface. It is intelligent, but basic. Just above vegetable, but just below teacher training student. I'm abandoning Psion and tubing down to the surface.

ALIEN: (Nick Maloney)
Zilge, the occupant of the craft is about to arrive at Input 2.

ZILGE: (Chris Barrie)
What be he like?

ALIEN:
Zilge, several of his legs are missing, and there are many holes in his face. I must scurry and greet him. [SFX: zap] I bid you solstace, traveller. You must have hunger and weariness. Come, I bid you dine with me and my seven hus-bands.

HOLLINS:
Husbands? You have seven husbands?

ALIEN:
You seem quarrellous. How many hus-bands do you have?

HOLLINS:
I don't have any husbands.

ALIEN:
Oh. A neffron.

HOLLINS:
Is that how you reproduce here? With a husband?

ALIEN:
Seven hus-bands.

HOLLINS:
Oh.

ALIEN:
Eight of us must get together to perform a naggor, to produce the childrens.

HOLLINS:
That's incredible; what's it like?

ALIEN:
Oh, a lot of fun.

HOLLINS:
How many children do you produce at one of these naggors?

ALIEN:
Oh, enough for two or three meals. Excuse me, I'm going to explode. [SFX: explosion] I beg your pardon. It must have been something I strangled. Where be you from, traveller?

HOLLINS:
Me? I'm from Earth.

ALIEN:
Earth?

HOLLINS:
Yep.

ALIEN:
The planet Earth?

HOLLINS:
That's right.

ALIEN:
Do you know a guy called Jan Vogels?

HOLLINS:
No.

ALIEN:
Come on, he came from Earth. Jan Vogels.

HOLLINS:
No, no, I don't know him.

ALIEN:
You must know him. Jan - short guy with red hair.

HOLLINS:
No, I told you, I don't know him.

ALIEN:
He came from Ho-lland on Earth, in the eight century, Earth time.

HOLLINS:
No, no, it's the wrong period and I've never been to Holland.

ALIEN:
Jan Vogels. He had holes in his face he put food in. And when we told him what it was, the food would come out again. Jan Vogels.

HOLLINS:
No, look - I don't know him.

ALIEN:
JAN VOGELS.

HOLLINS:
Oh, yeah. Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah. I know him. Jan Vogels, yeah, I know Jan. Yeah, Jan Vogels, that's right. Now, can we go to your city now? I need some fuel for my craft.

ALIEN:
Hmm, of course. Oh, but what must you think of my manners? We haven't passed greetings. Come, we must decapitate eachother and exchange heads for an hour. [SFX: slice, squelch] Funny. That's what happened to Jan Vogels.