Ganymede and Titan

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Dave Hollins: Space Cadet - NorWEB

First published 14th September 2003.

ANNOUNCER: (Nick Maloney)
Dave Hollins: Space Cadet

HOLLINS: (Nick Wilton)
This is Stella Trader Dave Hollins calling Earth-Com 597 Beta 7. I have just emerged from a dimension lull. I am the lone survivor. According to Hab, the ship's computer, I am seven trillion light years away from Earth. I've got three music cassettes. It's not going to be enough. My biggest problem is going space-crazy through loneliness. The only thing that keeps me sane is my collection of onions. I have decided to build an android in the image of a woman. A perfectly functioning robot, capable of abstract thought and independant decision making. But I don't know how. Jesus, I don't even know what to make the nose out of.

HAB: (Chris Barrie)
Hello, Dave?

HOLLINS:
What is it, Hab?

HAB:
The Mellisa V is being tracked by two supra-light speed pulsar fighters from Earth, representing The NorWEB Federation.

HOLLINS:
Who's that, Hab?

HAB:
The North-Western Electricity Board.

HOLLINS:
God, they've done really well for themselves.

NORWEB MAN: (Nick Maloney)
Hello? Mellisa V? Require permission to board. Acknowledge.

HOLLINS:
What do they want, Hab?

HAB:
They want you for your crimes against humanity, Dave.

HOLLINS:
What?

HAB:
Dave, remember when you left Earth seven trillion years ago?

HOLLINS:
Err...

HAB:
You left two half-eaten German sausages on a plate in your kitchen.

HOLLINS:
Oh yeah, I remember.

HAB:
Do you know what happens to sausages if you leave them for seven trillion years?

HOLLINS:
They go off?

HAB:
Those sausages, Dave, now cover seven eighths of the Earth's surface.

HOLLINS:
Yeurgh!

HAB:
Not only that, Dave, you also left 57.50 in your bank account. Well, compound interest on that now means that you own 98% of all the world's wealth. And because you've hoarded it all for seven trillion years, nobody's got any money, except for you and NorWEB.

HOLLINS:
Well, why NorWEB?

HAB:
You left the light on in the bathroom. Dave, you've destroyed the world's economy, its ecology and sent mankind back to the Stone Age.

HOLLINS:
Well, look, I'm sorry. I guess I just wasn't thinking straight.

NORWEB MAN:
Hello? Melissa V? Come in, please. We are NorWEB fighters. We have a final demand here for one million pound, raised to the power of 987. Er, hang on a minute. That makes, err..

HOLLINS:
Hab, you're the most intelligent machine ever built. What do I do?

HAB:
Hang on, Dave. I'll channel my runtime. [computer beeps] I have it, Dave! You hide under the kitchen table. I'll tell them you're out shopping.

HOLLINS:
Good one, Hab.

ANNOUNCER:
Dave Hollins: Space Cadet.