Ganymede and Titan

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Dave Hollins: Space Cadet - Volvo Wars

First published 14th September 2003.

ANNOUNCER: (Nick Maloney)
Dave Hollins: Space Cadet.

HOLLINS: (Nick Wilton)
This is Stella Trader Dave Hollins calling Earth-Com 597 Beta 7. I am the lone survivor of the scout ship Mellisa V, on a routine UEC mining expedition to Titan. I alone escaped by placing myself in suspended animation for 300 years. Should have been two days, but I overslept. Still, I suppose I must have needed it. Today is my birthday. I am 327 years old. I don't feel it. We should be orbiting the planet Earth, but Earth isn't there. Wait a minute, sorry, I was looking out the wrong window. I'm now consulting Hab, the command computer.

HAB: (Paul B. Davis)
Hello, Dave. Here's your post-suspension update. While you were asleep, the Earth was destroyed by a nuclear holocaust, following the Volvo Wars. The only surviving life forms are fruit flies, beetles and P.E. teachers. The fruit flies are now the dominant species. Wait, Dave. I am recieving a message.

Oh, thanks. Transfer it to my sound spectrum, Hab.

Certainly, Dave.

MICKY: (Nick Maloney)
Hello? Hello, Mellisa V? You've done superbly well in getting here. Superbly. My name is, er... Micky. Micky, er... Micky. Micky Micky... something. I am the, er... leader of the P.E. Teacher's Brain Trust.

Sorry... sorry to interrupt, Dave. We have a data outline on the lifeform you are talking to. He is wearing a tracksuit and trainers, and carrying a clipboard and a whistle. He has an IQ.

What of?

Just an IQ, Dave. That's the only reading I'm getting. His greatest intellectual achievement was taking the second form English class for poetry, and making them recite 'It was on the good ship Venus'. Report ends, Dave.

Hab, you've got to get me out of here.

Your only chance, Dave, is to somehow find a disturbance in the fabric of time. A cross-dimensional temporal warp, which has the exact magnetic pull to convert you into anti-matter, and reconstruct your carbon atoms in your own spectral field.

Oh, look! There's one!