Balance of Power: Scene Summary
1. Holly's Distress Call.
HOLLY: In the 3 million years we've been away, it is my fond hope that mankind has abolished war, cured all disease, and gotten rid of those little western saloon doors you get in trendy clothes shops.
2. Drive Room. Lister is helping Rimmer with the food inventory. Eventually, his boredom gets the better of him and he escapes for the evening.
RIMMER: 4,691 irradiated haggis.
LISTER: Oh, Rimmer, it's Saturday night. I've had enough.
RIMMER: 4,691 irradiated haggis.
LISTER: Rimmer, it's Saturday night! I want to boogie on down!
RIMMER: 4,691 irradiated haggis.
LISTER: We've been doing this for four hours! Let's have a break!
RIMMER: 4,691 irradiated hag-g-gis.
LISTER: Rimmer, will you stop saying 4,981 [sic] irradiated haggis and speak to me!
RIMMER: 4,691 irradiated haggis.
LISTER: Rimmer, I want to go for a drink!
RIMMER: 4,691 irradiated haggis!
LISTER: I want to have some fun!
RIMMER: This is fun! Are you mad?
3. Corridor. Lister rides his space bike to the quarters.
4. Sleeping Quarters. While getting ready for a night at the disco, Lister talks to Holly about his decision to revive Rimmer.
HOLLY: He's the person you knew best. Over 14 million words in all.
LISTER: Holly, 7 million of those were me telling him to smeg off, and the other 7 million were him putting me on report for telling him to smeg off.
HOLLY: Jean Paul Sartre said hell was being locked forever in a room with your friends.
LISTER: Holly, all his mates were French.
5. Model Shot of Red Dwarf in space.
6. The Refectory. Lister has a flashback to pre-accident days - drinking heavily, drooling over Kochanski and annoying Rimmer.
CHEN: I've been to Titan, I've been to Bolanski, I can name 90 men who've slept with Kochanski! Me!
PETERSEN: Me!
SELBY: Me!
CHEN: The London Jets Juniors!
PETERSEN: The service droids!
SELBY: My mother!
7. Corridor. Rimmer encounters The Cat, who is pushing a big trolley of cigarettes. In order to get them back, Rimmer bribes him with fish.
RIMMER: They're not yours; put them back.
CAT: See this hand? It is mine. See these things? They are mine.
8. Sleeping Quarters. Lister tries to persuade Rimmer to let him spend an evening with Kochanski's hologram. When he fails, he tells Rimmer he plans to become an officer, in order to outrank Rimmer.
LISTER: OK, Rimmer. OK.
RIMMER: OK?
LISTER: OK.
RIMMER: Is that a threat, Lister?
LISTER: Yeah.
RIMMER: Actually, "OK," Lister, is not a threat, technically speaking.
LISTER: It is when you mean it to mean what I mean it to mean, and I mean it to mean, OK, Rimmer, O-K!
RIMMER: No, Lister, "OK" is never a threat, no matter how many A's you put on the end.
9. Model Shot of Red Dwarf not doing much.
10. Sleeping Quarters. Rimmer wakes to discover that Lister isn't there. He also discovers that he has been given Petersen's arm.
RIMMER: And whose ears are these, Holly? They're like two giant radar dishes stuck higgledy-piggledy to the side of my head. I mean, just look at them! Look at them! Whose were these ears, Holly? An African elephant's?
HOLLY: They're your ears, Arnold.
11. Drive Room. The Cat is eating six fishes. Rimmer has an argument with Holly, which results in Petersen's arm attacking him.
DISPENSING MACHINE: Hello. How can I help you? CAT: Fish!
DISPENSING MACHINE: Today's fish is trout a la creme. Enjoy your meal.
CAT: Fish!
DISPENSING MACHINE: Today's fish is trout a la creme. Enjoy your meal.
CAT: Fish!
DISPENSING MACHINE: Today's fish is trout a la creme. Enjoy your meal.
CAT: Fish!
DISPENSING MACHINE: Today's fish is trout a la creme. Enjoy your meal.
CAT: Fish!
DISPENSING MACHINE: Today's fish is trout a la creme. Enjoy your meal.
CAT: Fish!
DISPENSING MACHINE: Today's fish is trout a la creme. Enjoy your meal.
CAT: I will!
12. Model Shot of Red Dwarf. Again.
13. Corridor. Rimmer, recovering from his attack, continues to search for Lister.
14. Cinema. His search takes him to the cinema, but all he finds is The Skutters, having some sneaky time off.
15. Teaching Room. Rimmer finally finds Lister here; he's revising for his Chef's Exam, which, if he passes, will make him Rimmer's superior.
RIMMER: And Lister, what's this? Learning drugs? They're illegal, matey! I'm afraid you're in very serious, grave, deep trouble, Lister. Where did you get them? I want names. I want places. I want dates.
LISTER: Arnold Rimmer. His locker. This morning.
16. Sleeping Quarters. Rimmer is revising for an exam when Lister walks in with a cake. Rimmer then tries to persuade Lister to drop the exam. He fails.
RIMMER: What I'm saying, Lister, is there's no need for us to be at loggerheads. I mean we're mates. We're pals.
LISTER: Since when?
RIMMER: Oh, come on, Lister! Laugh, laugh, laugh, chuckle, guffaw, giggle! That's Rimsy and Listy!
LISTER: When?
RIMMER: Millions of times!
LISTER: When?
RIMMER: Ah ... ah, how about the time your safety harness snapped and you fell into the cargo bay? We laughed then, didn't we?
LISTER: I broke me spine in three places.
RIMMER: Yes, but it was hilarious! We laughed like drains!
LISTER: You laughed. I spent six weeks in traction.
RIMMER: Yes, that's right, that's right! And you spent the rest of the summer walking around like a croquet hoop! Oh, I laughed so hard I nearly puked, I really did.
17. Model Shot of Red Dwarf. Holly informs us that the Chef's Exam is about to start.
18. Drive Room. Lister is late for his exam, which annoys Lister.
RIMMER: You're not ready for it, you know. Look at you. You should be doing last-second revision.
LISTER: I am. I'm revising buns.
19. Teaching Room. Lister is in the middle of his exam when Kochanski comes into the room, to persuade him not to bother with the exam. It becomes apparant that it is actually Rimmer's personality in Kochanski's body.
LISTER: So, it didn't mean anything to you, then?
'KOCHANSKI': What didn't?
LISTER: You know, when we made love on the snooker table behind the bins. 'KOCHANSKI': You never told me that.
LISTER: I thought you might have noticed.
'KOCHANSKI': Oh yes! Yes! I remember now!
LISTER: We've never made love. Go away, Rimmer.
'KOCHANSKI': Look, look, I'm a bit out of sorts at the moment. I'm having a woman's period.
20. Corridor. Lister, accompanied by a correctly-bodied Rimmer collects his results.
RIMMER: How did you do? How did you do? How did you do, Lister?
LISTER: How did I do, Mr. Lister, sir!