Me²: Scene Summary
1. Holly's Distress Call
HOLLY: We have enough food to last thirty thousand years, but we've only got one After Eight mint left, and everyone's too polite to take it.
2. Sleeping Quarters. Rimmer is preparing to move out, and Lister is packing his possessions. Lister finds a videotape of Rimmer's deathand dismisses it as weird. The pair then argue about which of them was the most annoying to live with.
RIMMER: Swapping my toothpaste for a tube of contraceptive jelly.
LISTER: Come on! That was a joke!
RIMMER: Yes, Lister, the same kind of joke as putting my name down on the waiting list for experimental pile surgery.
3. Corridor. Lister carries a painting of a monkey on the toilet to Rimmer's new quarters, pouring scorn on their sign as he goes.
LISTER: "Second Technician Arnold J. Rimmer and Second Technician Arnold J. Rimmer."
4. Rimmers' Quarters. Lister responds to the decorative No Smoking signs and newspaper clippings with general piss taking. Goit.
LISTER: Whoa ho ho! What's all this?! "Arnold's Tops With Us," "I Owe It All To Rimmer," "Arnie Does It Best." This is very funny stuff.
RIMMER 2: Just go.
LISTER: Because your name's Arnold Rimmer, and even though these headlines are about other people, you've cut them out and put them on the wall so people will think they're about you?
5. Corridor 147. The Cat is dancing around on roller skates, carrying a boquet of flowers and a bottle of champagne.
CAT: Hey, I'm looking so good today! If I looked any better, I'd be illegal!
6. Sleeping Quarters. Lister is practising slobbiness, when he comes across Rimmer's death video, and asks Holly to put it on. After spinning on past lengthy poetry readings, we see that Rimmer's final words were "Gazpacho Soup". Lister is left pondering on this, before being interrupted by The Cat, who is searching for lady Cats.
LISTER: Ca-at! What are you doing?
CAT: I am courting.
LISTER: Courting who?
CAT: Whoever shows up.
7. Model Shot. Red Dwarf in space. Over which, we hear the sounds of Rimmers exercising.
8. Rimmers' Quarters. After finishing their star jumps, the Rimmers decide that they should get up at half past four in the morning. But rather than getting some sleep, they cram in a couple of hours' worth of revision.
RIMMER: Fantastic! This is what I've always dreamed of! I'm in heaven!
RIMMER 2: Better than sex.
9. Model Shot. Red Dwarf in space. Holly activates the Rimmers' very noisy alarm call.
10. Corridor 149. It is 5:05am, and Rimmer is supervising the skutters, who are changing the paintwork from military grey to ocean grey. Lister comes out to discuss Mrs. Rimmer, and then confronts Rimmer about Gazpacho Soup, but he evades the subject.
RIMMER: Lister, I'm far, far, far too much of a gentleman to stoop to that kind of shower-room mentality. All you need to know about Yvonne McGruder is: I gave her one.
11. Rimmers' Quarters. Lister sneaks in when nobody is about, and steals Rimmer's diary. There are only three entries; the most interesting being 'November 25th - Gazpacho Soup Day'.
LISTER: "My Diary, by Arnold J. Rimmer. January 1st: I have decided to keep a journal of my thoughts and deeds over the coming year. A daily chart of my progress through the echelons of command, so that perhaps one day, other aspiring officers may seek enlightenment through these pages. It is my fond hope that, one day, this journal will take its place alongside 'Napoleon's War Diaries' and 'The Memories of Julius Caesar'." Next entry... "July 17th: Auntie Maggie's birthday."
12. Sleeping Quarters. Holly informs Lister that he is being tracked by two super light-speed fighters from the NorWEB Federation, who want him for his crimes against humanity, including leaving sausages unattended, hoarding the world's wealth and leaving the bathroom light on. Lister then hears the Rimmers arguing.
LISTER: You're kidding!
HOLLY: April Fool.
LISTER: But it's not April.
HOLLY: Yeah, I know, but I can't be waiting six months with a red-hot jape like that underneath me hat.
13. Rimmers' Quarters. The argument is reaching its pinnacle, and Rimmer 2 is winning.
RIMMER 2: Oh, grow up, Mr. Gazpacho!
RIMMER: Mr. what?
RIMMER 2: I said "MR. GAZPACHO", DEAFIE!
14. Sleeping Quarters. Rimmer shuffles over to his old bunk. He tries to inform Lister that he and Rimmer 2 are still friends, but he is interrupted by heckling from next door.
RIMMER 2: SHUT UP, YOU DEAD GIT!
RIMMER: Excuse me a second, Lister, will you? STOP YOUR FOUL WHINING, YOU FILTHY PIECE OF DISTENDED RECTUM!
15. Model Shot. Red Dwarf in space.
16. Cinema. Lister and Cat are trying to watch Citizen Kane, but the two Rimmers are determined to spoil it for eachother, by taking turns in blocking eachother's view. Lister decides enough is enough, and randomly selects the original Rimmer for deletion.
RIMMER: I don't believe it. I've been ippy-dippied to death.
17. Drive Room. Rimmer 2 wants to stay to watch Rimmer's demise, but Lister turns him away. After getting Rimmer fairly pished, Lister persaudes him to tell the story of Gazpacho Soup Day. Rimmer had been invited to the captain's table, where the starter was a Spanish soup, which is meant to be served cold. Rimmer was not aware of this, and sent his back to be heated, much to the amusement of the officers. After bearing his sole, Rimmer is prepared for his second death, but Lister has already wiped the duplicate.
LISTER: I swear absolutely that I promise that I will never mention Gazpacho Soup again.
RIMMER: Alright. You're a bit of a slob, Lister, you know, but when it comes down to it, you keep your word. This time I'm going to believe you. Let's go for another drink.
LISTER: Souper.