Waiting For God: Scene Summary
1. Holly's Distress Call
HOLLY: The most interesting event that happened recently was that Lister pretended he passed the chef's exam, although really he failed. That gives you some idea of how truly exciting some days can be around here.
2. Drive Room. Rimmer accesses the confidential reports for Lister and himself. Holly then tells him that he'd discovered an unidentified object.
RIMMER: Constantly fails the exam? I'd hardly call eleven times 'constantly'. I mean, if you eat roast beef eleven times in your life, one would hardly say that person constantly eats roast beef. No, it would be a rare, nay freak occurrence. Possibly mad? What is he dribbling about?
3. Sleeping Quarters. Lister, who is wearing Rimmer's shirt, is learning to 'read' Cat books. Both of these things lead to an argument between he and Rimmer. Meanwhile, the UO comes into visual range.
RIMMER: You can't just go through my possessions!
LISTER: Come on, you don't need them any more.
RIMMER: Because I'm dead?
LISTER: Yeah! You're a hologram, and holograms don't need clothes.
RIMMER: They're my things, Lister! Would you steal verruca cream from a man with no feet? I mean, how would you like it if I stole your T-shirt? Your favourite one, with the custard stains down the front?
LISTER: I wouldn't care.
RIMMER: You've got no right to go through my wardrobe.
LISTER: OK, OK. (sniggers) You keep your underpants on coathangers, don't you?
4. Corridor. Rimmer and Cat bump into eachother and have a brief chat.
CAT: Hey! You can't have my shiny thing! I found it, it's my shiny thing.
RIMMER: What are you dribbling about?
CAT: [pulls out a silver yo-yo] This is my shiny thing, and if you try and take it off me, I may have to eat you.
RIMMER: It's a yo-yo, you modo.
CAT: It does two amazing things. One, you have the shiny thing at the top, and the string down below, or, and this is the clever part, you have the string at the top, and the shiny thing down here where the string used to be.
RIMMER: Yeah! Wow! Wee!
5. Drive Room. Holly shows Rimmer a scan of the UO. It's a pod.
6. Sleeping Quarters. The Cat shows Lister the Cat Bible. It transpires that Lister is in fact God. Holly agrees to translate the Bible, despite the Toaster's offer to do so. Then, Rimmer comes to inform Lister of the pod excitement.
LISTER: I am your god.
CAT: OK. Turn this into a woman.
LISTER: I'm serious.
CAT: So am I.
7. Observation Room. Rimmer believes that the pod is of an alien origin. Lister is more cynical, and enters the room, despite Rimmer's protest. Lister later discovers that the pod is in fact an old Red Dwarf Garbage Pod. But there's no need to tell Rimmer that.
LISTER: It's one of our Red Dwarf Garbage Pods with, like, the writing burnt off in places. Why didn't you tell him?
HOLLY: Well, it's a laugh, innit?.
8. Model Shot of Red Dwarf. Rimmer is dictating a diary entry.
RIMMER: After intensive investigation, comma, of the markings on the alien pod, comma, it has become clear, comma, to me, comma, that we are dealing, comma, with a species of awesome intellect, colon.
HOLLY: Good. Perhaps they might be able to give you a hand with your punctuation.
RIMMER: Shut up, Holly.
9. Sleeping Quarters. Rimmer wakes Lister up to discuss the alien excitement.
LISTER: Oooh, I can't wait to see your face in the morning, I really can't.
RIMMER: And nor I yours, Lister, when that pod opens and from it emerges a beautiful alien woman with long green hair and six breasts.
LISTER: Six breasts? Imagine making love to a woman with six breasts!
RIMMER: Imagine making love to a woman!
10. Drive Room. Holly has translated the Cat Bible, and he relays the information to Lister. His dream of opening a doughnut diner on Fuji is the Cat equivalent of Heaven. However, it resulted in a holy war about what colour the hats in the diner should be.
LISTER: Do you mean they had a war over whether the doughnut diner hats were red or blue?
HOLLY: Yeah. Most of them were killed fighting about that. It's daft really, innit?
LISTER: You're not kidding. They were supposed to be green.
11. Corridor Holly continues to educate Lister. The surviving Cats left Red Dwarf on arks, in search for Fuchal - the holy land.
HOLLY: "And Cloister gave to Frankenstein the sacred writing, saying: 'Those who have wisdom will know its meaning.' And it was written thus: 'Seven socks, one shirt...'"
LISTER: That's my laundry list! I lined the cat's basket with me laundry list!
HOLLY: The Blue Hats thought it was a star chart leading to the promised land.
LISTER: Well it wasn't; it was my dirty washing.
12. Sleeping Quarters. Holly tells Lister that the Blue Hats flew straight into an asteroid, but the Red Hats carried on travelling, and haven't been seen since.
LISTER: This is terrible. Holy wars, killing. They're just using religion as an excuse to be extremely crappy to each other.
TOASTER: So what else is new?
13. Observation Room. Lister tries to discuss the Cat religion with Rimmer, but he is too distracted with the Quagaars, which is a name he made up for the aliens.
LISTER: I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask to become their God.
RIMMER: Well, I didn't ask to be killed, Lister. Life's a bitch. Now smeg off, I'm busy.
14. Corridor. Lister is looking for Cat, who was last seen in the Cargo Hold.
15. Another corridor. No sign of him.
16. Cat Temple. There he is - talking to an old Cat Priest.
PRIEST: I'm dying.
CAT: I'm telling you about my feet! My investigating feet.
PRIEST: Don't you hear me? I'm dying.
CAT: Yeah, but I'm telling you about my feet.
PRIEST: Oh, why should you listen to me - a blind old priest that's lost his faith.
CAT: I'm not listening to you! I'm trying to tell you about my feet.
PRIEST: What do you care?
CAT: I don't care! You're the one who's doing the dying, not me. Why should I let it spoil my evening?
17. Another corridor. Lister still hasn't found Cat.
LISTER: Cat, when I get you I'm going to turn you into a kebab.
18. Cat Temple. Just as the Priest loses his faith completely, Lister/Cloister bursts into the Temple. The Priest pleads Cloister for forgiveness, which he grants. The joy of this causes the Priest to keel over and die.
LISTER: Why didn't you go on the arks with the rest of the Cats?
PRIEST: They left us behind. The sick and the lame. Left us to die. But then the boy was born to the cripple and the idiot.
CAT: What idiot?
PRIEST: Your father, boy.
CAT: My father was a jelly-brain?
PRIEST: Yes. That's why he ate his own feet.
CAT: I did wonder.
19. Model Shot of Red Dwarf.
20. Observation Room. Lister opens the pod, and removes a rotten chicken carcass.
RIMMER: Incredible! A stupendous moment in my own personal history! The perfectly preserved remains of a Quagaar warrior!
LISTER: Yeah, right, Rimmer. Absolutely.
RIMMER: hey must have looked something like... a roast chicken.
21. Closing Credits. They are interrupted on two occasions, with:
RIMMER: It's a garbage pod.
And:
RIMMER: It's a smegging garbage pod!