Dave Hollins: Space Cadet - NorWEB
ANNOUNCER: (Nick Maloney)
Dave Hollins: Space Cadet
HOLLINS: (Nick Wilton)
This is Stella Trader Dave Hollins calling Earth-Com 597 Beta 7. I have just emerged from a dimension lull. I am the lone survivor. According to Hab, the ship's computer, I am seven trillion light years away from Earth. I've got three music cassettes. It's not going to be enough. My biggest problem is going space-crazy through loneliness. The only thing that keeps me sane is my collection of onions. I have decided to build an android in the image of a woman. A perfectly functioning robot, capable of abstract thought and independant decision making. But I don't know how. Jesus, I don't even know what to make the nose out of.
HAB: (Chris Barrie)
Hello, Dave?
HOLLINS:
What is it, Hab?
HAB:
The Mellisa V is being tracked by two supra-light speed pulsar fighters from Earth, representing The NorWEB Federation.
HOLLINS:
Who's that, Hab?
HAB:
The North-Western Electricity Board.
HOLLINS:
God, they've done really well for themselves.
NORWEB MAN: (Nick Maloney)
Hello? Mellisa V? Require permission to board. Acknowledge.
HOLLINS:
What do they want, Hab?
HAB:
They want you for your crimes against humanity, Dave.
HOLLINS:
What?
HAB:
Dave, remember when you left Earth seven trillion years ago?
HOLLINS:
Err...
HAB:
You left two half-eaten German sausages on a plate in your kitchen.
HOLLINS:
Oh yeah, I remember.
HAB:
Do you know what happens to sausages if you leave them for seven trillion years?
HOLLINS:
They go off?
HAB:
Those sausages, Dave, now cover seven eighths of the Earth's surface.
HOLLINS:
Yeurgh!
HAB:
Not only that, Dave, you also left £57.50 in your bank account. Well, compound interest on that now means that you own 98% of all the world's wealth. And because you've hoarded it all for seven trillion years, nobody's got any money, except for you and NorWEB.
HOLLINS:
Well, why NorWEB?
HAB:
You left the light on in the bathroom. Dave, you've destroyed the world's economy, its ecology and sent mankind back to the Stone Age.
HOLLINS:
Well, look, I'm sorry. I guess I just wasn't thinking straight.
NORWEB MAN:
Hello? Melissa V? Come in, please. We are NorWEB fighters. We have a final demand here for one million pound, raised to the power of 987. Er, hang on a minute. That makes, err..
HOLLINS:
Hab, you're the most intelligent machine ever built. What do I do?
HAB:
Hang on, Dave. I'll channel my runtime. [computer beeps] I have it, Dave! You hide under the kitchen table. I'll tell them you're out shopping.
HOLLINS:
Good one, Hab.
ANNOUNCER:
Dave Hollins: Space Cadet.