Ganymede & Titan

BBC Information Are Wankers

Picture the scene. It's been a hard day's work for me at makro Exeter. I come back, and the first thing that comes to mind after my dinner is: "Now, how can I benefit the Red Dwarf fan community today?" My answer was the following e-mail:

"Hello,

(Apologies if this is the wrong email address, but it is the best one I could find. Any chance of passing this on to the correct person if it isn't?)

I was just wondering whether you had considered releasing the Radio 4 series 'Cliche' and especially 'Son Of Cliche' on CD? They were written by Rob Grant and Doug Naylor, so I'm sure they could be marketed as 'Written by the creators of Red Dwarf' - indeed, the Dave Hollins sketches on Son of Cliche were the precursor to Red Dwarf itself.

Any chance of a release at any point?

Then, I went looking on the BBC Worldwide site for a contact e-mail. I couldn't find one, which was a tad annoying, but I never give up - so I mailed it to info@bbcworldwide.com, and awaited the reply.

An acknowledgement came back after a while, the first line of which said: "BBC INFORMATION". Oh dear. Still, I patiently awaited a reply; after all, just because they've got things wrong before, they might be on the ball this time. Please?

No.

"I have been unable to trace programmes entitled 'Cliche' or 'Son of Cliche' on our extensive BBC programme database."

Sigh.

"In any case, enquiries about the possible release of BBC programmes and products should be directed to BBC Worldwide, the commercial arm of the BBC."

I DID, YOU CU... no, no, calm down. Calm down, John. Just leave the BBC MISINFORMATION DEPARTMENT alone, and mail BBC Worldwide at the e-mail address given, bbcproducts@galleon.co.uk, and you'll get a decent answer. OK?

DID. I. FUCK.

"Unfortunately I have no information about the title you are looking for. It is not available from the BBC Shop.

As a reference the BBC Shop does range all currently available BBC programmes."

I KNOW. I CUNTING KNOW IT HASN'T BEEN RELEASED. I'M MAKING A CUNTING SUGGESTION, YOU CUNTING CUNT. WHY NOT READ MY EMAIL? YOU STUPID, STUPID IDIOT. CUNT.

The really annoying thing is that I'm not just suggesting some obscure release here. I genuinely believe it would be a popular, relatively-well selling release. Dwarf was the second-best sellling BBC DVD last year; just slap "From the writers of Red Dwarf" on the cover of a CD, and you've got a guaranteed audience. I'm trying to help them make money, for fucks sake.

Now, let's just stay calm, shall we?


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